Garrison Keillor 1983
My grandmother’s cat was too large for a shelf
so he slept every night in a bed
He was almost as big as my grandma herself
because three times a day he was fed
He was fed tuna scraps as he sat in my grandma’s lap
on his back with his big napkin tied
He ate – as – much as he could hold
’til he got – too – wide
Chorus 1:
Every day piles of chicken parts
Mouse morsels a la carte
He ate – as – much as he could hold ’til he got – too – wide
My grandmother said that of cats she had known,
her favorite by far was old Dan
He sat by her side and his eyes simply shown
when she opened the tuna fish can
With his eyes shining bright and a grown of delight
he would brush against grandma and purr
But one – day – he knocked grandma down
because he was now bigger than her
Chorus 2:
Every day piles of salmon meat
Sirloin of parakeet
But one – day – he knocked grandma down because he was now bigger than her
She fell to the floor with a pitiful scream
and lay there unconscious a while
When she awoke his eyes were agleam
as he looked down on her with a smile
With his gigantic paw he pinned my old grandma
as he gave her a horrible grin
He looked – at – her legs and her arms,
wondering where to begin
Chorus 3:
Every day, gobs of goose pate
Big plates of fish filet
He looked – at – her legs and her arms, wondering where to begin
She managed to climb despite her bad back
to the top of her old Frigidaire
She threw him two steaks, his favorite snack,
which he always took medium-rare
Those three days which she spent up on the fridge
seemed to her like a lifetime at least
She threw – down – all the food she had
to fill up that ravenous beast
Chorus 4:
Burgers and cottage fries
Hams of the family size
She threw – down – all the food she had to fill up that ravenous beast
She fed him three days ’til she ran out of stuff
and the giant was begging for more
He was standing and nibbling at her little pink scuff
when the family burst in through the door
It took twenty men to shove him in a pen
and we shipped him away to the zoo
Let this – be – a lesson to us all
that your cat should be smaller than you
Chorus 5:
Carte blanche you can’t afford
Cut out the smorgasbord
Let this – be – a lesson to us all that your cat should be smaller than youÂ