Garrison Keillor 1983
A Prairie Home Companion
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My grandmother’s cat was too large for a shelf so he slept every night in a bed He was almost as big as my grandma herself because three times a day he was fed He was fed tuna scraps as he sat in my grandma’s lap on his back with his big napkin tied He ate – as – much as he could hold ’til he got – too – wide Chorus: Every day piles of chicken parts Mouse morsels a la carte He ate – as – much as he could hold ’til he got – too – wide My grandmother said that of cats she had known, her favorite by far was old Dan He sat by her side and his eyes simply shown when she opened the tuna fish can With his eyes shining bright and a grown of delight he would brush against grandma and purr But one – day – he knocked grandma down because he was now bigger than her Chorus 2: Every day piles of salmon meat Sirloin of parakeet But one – day – he knocked grandma down because he was now bigger than her She fell to the floor with a pitiful scream and lay there unconscious a while When she awoke his eyes were agleam as he looked down on her with a smile With his gigantic paw he pinned my old grandma as he gave her a horrible grin He looked – at – her legs and her arms, wondering where to begin Chorus 3: Every day, gobs of goose pate Big plates of fish filet He looked – at – her legs and her arms, wondering where to begin She managed to climb despite her bad back to the top of her old Frigidaire She threw him two steaks, his favorite snack, which he always took medium-rare Those three days which she spent up on the fridge seemed to her like a lifetime at least She threw – down – all the food she had to fill up that ravenous beast Chorus 4: Burgers and cottage fries Hams of the family size She threw – down – all the food she had to fill up that ravenous beast She fed him three days ’til she ran out of stuff and the giant was begging for more He was standing and nibbling at her little pink scuff when the family burst in through the door It took twenty men to shove him in a pen and we shipped him away to the zoo Let this – be – a lesson to us all that your cat should be smaller than you Chorus 5: Carte blanche you can’t afford Cut out the smorgasbord Let this – be – a lesson to us all that your cat should be smaller than you