John Kirkpatrick 1978
“Based on a true incident in 1972, as reported in Taffy Thomas’ newspaper in the MAgic Lantern van. He looked me in the eye and said ‘There’s a song in there for you, Johnsie.’ And there was. Translated into Dutch (!) and recorded by Gerard Van Maasakkers under the title ‘Janus Dekkers’.” Third verse slightly rewritten by Alex Ellis
Tom Lewis: Tom Lewis: Eddie Bakers Muckspreader
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKkgPnBkGB4
Now in My-tholm-royd in Yorkshire, one Saturday in June / All the village was preparing for the fete that afternoon There were sideshows, stalls and roundabouts and every kind of game / But the village fete will never now be quite the same again For this pleasant country scene was transformed by a machine / Which belonged to Eddie Baker from the farm just down the road With his tractor and his trailer and his load both sweet and pure / Five hundred imperial gallons of best liquified manure Chorus: Down the road went Eddie Baker in his rattling old boneshaker And he never knew the trail he left behind him Now Eddie quickly picked up speed on the track from Lower Lumb Farm / Though his load careered madly he never thought ‘twould come to harm And so noisy was the clatter and the crashes and the booms / He had to turn his old transistor up so he could hear the tunes As he zoomed across a bump it triggered off the trailer’s pump / And its hose discovered freedom it had never known before It waved wildly round and round, from side to side and up and down / As spreading dung and desperation, Eddie sailed into the town Now Jemima Smith and Barney from down the old folks’ home / Were on their way to a lunchtime tipple at the Peacock and Trombone She was adjusting of her spectacles to a admire a garden rose / When a blast from Eddie’s onslaught whipped ’em right from off her nose ‘Oh, gawd’, says old Jemima, ‘I’ve just had a funny turn / Oo , I feel or cold and clammy and how my skin does burn’ ‘Oh, speak up, dear’, says Barney, as together they did cling / ‘It’s short-circuited me Starkey, I can’t hear a bleeding thing Now the Icecream Factory Silver Band were warming up to play / To commence the celebrations of that very special day When there appeared on their music dots they couldn’t play too well / As with the gentle tang of Brasso mingled a new exciting smell And their tunes all went awry as they hung ’em out to dry / And the sousaphone player played his last ’cause he sucked when he should have blowed There were different tunes in different times and all in different keys / And ‘Nellie the Elephant’ sounded more like ‘The Flight of the Bumble Bee’ Now the greasy pole was greasier than ever known before / And the icecream had a chocolate sauce no palate could ignore And into the coffee-coloured candy-floss Grannie Walker plunged her teeth / And for evermore the ones on top were stuck to the ones beneath And in the tug-o-war there were broken bones galore / There was blood all round the bottle stall as both teams slithered through There was chaos round the cake stall and the tea was more like glue / ‘Cause you didn’t just get sugar when they asked, ‘One lump or two?’ So he trundled through the village, down the road and past the hall / And where he’d been for years after all the weeds grew ten feet tall And he never knew the chaos that he’d caused along his way / And he never heard the crashes as he crossed the motorway And in time he’ll dwell on high in that great muckheap in the sky / Where St Peter’ll dive for cover every time he passes by It’ll rust up all their haloes, it’ll clog up all their wings / As, wiping shit from off their faces, all the angels they will sing